The Only Thing I Regret

I don’t regret meeting you, I regret letting you consume me. How can I regret meeting someone who made me feel like I was flying? How could I regret ever meeting you, when you were the one who shaped me? It wasn’t your love that did that, to be honest. It was the way you consumed me. I let you to consume my energy, my emotions and my love. I let your toxic love poison mine because I believed that the man I fell in love with would be there; and when he changed I believed he’d come back. I believed that my love was strong enough for us both. But it never was. I believed I could hold it all together with tape and glue. But I couldn’t.

I don’t regret choosing you, I regret choosing you over myself. When I love, I don’t hold back any of it. If I love you, I love the way you smile, I love the way you breathe, I love the way that vein pops up on your forehead when you’re angry. I love how wrinkles appear around your eyes when you laugh from the heart. And I love the fact that I get to choose you every single day. But I chose you over myself. I chose your wellbeing to come before mine. I chose to fight your demons before mine. I chose to save you, only to destroy myself.

I don’t regret making you my priority, I regret believing you’d do the same. Silly me, right? I believed that if I showed you that I cared enough, you’d care about me too. I thought that if I loved you hard enough, that my love would somehow heal you. I regret hoping that you’d change, because it broke my heart every single time you would turn away. And not just turn away but disappear. It would break my heart every single night that I fell asleep alone worrying about you falling asleep in your own vomit. It broke my heart every morning I would spend alone going about my day not knowing where you were or if you were okay.

I don’t regret that I let you in, I regret letting you destroy me. I will never regret letting you in, because for a while, what we had was amazing and special. For a while I was the happiest woman alive. For a while, I actually had the reason to believe that you loved me, that you let me in the way I let you. I just regret that I let your words pierce through my heart. I let your comments destroy my confidence. I let your behavior break me on daily basis because you only cared about yourself. I regret that I knew what you were doing to me, but I still hoped you will stop. I still hoped that I could change that, if I just tried a little harder. I didn’t know what it meant to date an addict. I didn’t know what a true narcissist was. I didn’t realize abuse comes not just in physical form. I didn’t realize you didn’t see what you were doing or how hard I was trying to help you. But I’ve learned fixing other people should never come with the price of my own sanity.

I don’t regret loving you, I regret trusting you with my heart. Maybe, if I walked away sooner, I wouldn’t have broken. Maybe if I decided to put myself first, to choose myself over you sooner, I wouldn’t have been destroyed and forced to hit my own rock bottom. Thats the thing, I cared more about you than I cared about myself. So I stayed, I hoped and I loved. I trusted you with my heart, only to see you drop it. I trusted you with my life, only to see you destroy it. I trusted you with us, only to see you walk away.

I don’t regret giving you everything I had, because I gained much more. I gave you my heart, my body and my mind, my sanity. And you threw them all away. You even tried to manipulate me to believe it was all my fault- that I was the problem. Neglecting your part in the play of “our game”. You destroyed my mind, poisoned my heart and bruised my soul. But I’m now stronger than you will ever be. I love myself in ways you never could. I own my story and I respect my scars. I know what I am. I know how amazing and tough I am. I know that those bruises will heal, I know that poison can be sucked out. I know that I can rebuild myself, no matter how hard you try to destroy me. Because, finally, I know my worth. Finally, I can say that I regret nothing, because everything I did after you, was for me. Everything that I am now is what I always wanted to be.

With love, from the Bahamas, living MY dream.

2 thoughts on “The Only Thing I Regret

  • I relate to this so much, aside from the finding myself aspect. Still working on that 😉 thank you so much for sharing, this brought tears. You are a beautiful soul and I’m so glad we crossed paths. I usually don’t share but I had to.

  • Beautifully written, Lindsey. Proud of you for reaching this point. Not saying you won’t still have swings up and down again… but, truly, ain’t nothin gonna stop you now. And the next someone that comes along, won’t let you chose them over yourself, because that IS what you deserve. Someone that would take you, as is.

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